If I can't use magic I might as well die!
by Penfold66
Summary: Merlin shouts these words at Gaius and storms off to his room. These are his thoughts... Series One, Episode One


"If I can't use magic, I might as well die!" bellowed Merlin in utter frustration as Gaius admonished him once again for making use of his magic. This time it had been to save himself from the Prat Prince who had just chased him all through the lower town intent on breaking his skull. What else could Merlin have done? He had to save himself somehow! The Royal Arse was as wide as a barn, as strong as an ox and had stalked at him with murder in his eyes wielding a very spiky and deadly looking mace!

After his outburst at Gaius, Merlin dashed into his room, slammed the door shut, flung himself onto his cot and broke into floods of tears. As much as the physical wounds that Arthur had inflicted upon him, Merlin's soul was acheing and he was in utter turmoil. He had never felt so alone and at odds with the world. What was WRONG with him? He'd never asked to be as he was! He'd never asked to come to this Kingdom, far from everything he knew and where people were beheaded or burned just for possessing magic. And the Prince was an utter prat. He'd never asked for any of this!

In his small village it had been hard enough just to be the boy with no dad - even when he was very young he'd heard the tittle-tattle about his "shameless" mother who had fallen pregnant out of wedlock. Speculation was rife as to who had fathered him but she had never told anyone. Not even him. She'd antagonized the villagers further by rejecting advances from any of the men, or advice from the Elders. She was quite capable of providing for and raising her son, she claimed, and would thank them all to mind their own business.

So Merlin had already felt somewhat marked and different even before he got to know the other children of Ealdor. Mother had been so insistent that he not use his magic around them. It took him a long time to understand why he wasn't able to be himself and meant that he never truly felt one of them.

Asking him to hide his magic was like asking him to walk without using his legs! He felt it constantly fizzing within him, bursting to get out and to show itself, and the strain of keeping it under control had caused him to keep a distance from his peers. As he grew into his teens it had burst forth nonetheless and had caused worry and heartache for his mother and danger and hostility toward himself. At her wits end Hunith had sent him here to Camelot (of all places) to see if his Great Uncle Gaius could help him where she herself could not.

After the events of his first two days in Town, Merlin was unconvinced that coming here had been the right thing to do. He had been so excited and full of hope upon his arrival. Mum had told him that Uncle Gaius had once been a sorcerer who had studied it for many years. Merlin hoped Gaius could help him to control his powers and maybe get himself into less trouble. He was also excited to hear about Gaius's magical past and to at last have somebody that he could just SPEAK to about his gifts! Despite leaving his mother behind Merlin had no qualms about leaving the small minded folk of Ealdor to go to where the 'real' people were. For the first time ever he could be anonymous and could start afresh in a place where nobody judged him on his fatherlessness, or suspected he may be anything other than a normal young man.

This excitement had been short lived. How the HELL had he managed on his first day to not only meet but also antagonize the Crown Prince?! But in his short life Merlin had learned not to tolerate bullies and had been unable to stop himself for berating Arthur about his mindless mistreatment of his manservant just to raise a few laughs amongst his cronies.

He had thought that the time spent in the dungeons as a result of swinging a punch at Arthur would be the end of his run in with Uther's son, and that he could keep his head down and quietly go about his business as Gaius's apprentice. But no. On his way back to the Physician's quarters after finishing his errands he had spotted the Prince and his brainless friends and had simply walked on by, determined to stay out of trouble and thus not upset Gaius any further. Of course the Crown Clotpole was having none of it and had jeered after him. Merlin tried – he really did – to just ignore the idiot but when the buffoon came right into his personal space claiming that he'd been 'trained to kill since birth' he could restrain himself no more. He had itched to embarrass Arthur even before he advanced on Merlin wielding the mace. With a flash of his eyes he could have unlaced the trousers and exposed the royal arse of the Royal Arse. Or he could have made the mace handle burn so hot that Arthur would be forced to drop it. Despite the temptation to do so he was aware that even the hint of magic would've been the end of him. So he ran...and had no choice but to use his powers to prevent serious injury to himself when the bloody buggering Prince just wouldn't leave him alone! He thought that he'd actually done rather well – true, he'd taken a few blows but he'd finally stopped Arthur's pursuit with subtle use of magic. Thanks to all the gods, nobody had even guessed that sorcery had saved his skin.

He probably shouldn't have picked up the broom handle and waved it threateningly at the Prince, though...

Once he had cried out his tears of anger, Merlin flipped onto his back and stared at the ceiling of his new chamber. He wondered what would happen now. Gaius was so angry and dissapointed with him. Merlin was sure that he had ruined this chance of a new life and would soon be on his way shamefaced back to Ealdor. His poor little Mum would be heartbroken. He didn't want to burden her further. Maybe he should leave them all and wander until he found fellow magic users. He'd heard that there were Druid camps deep in the woods. Perhaps he could find company there amongst the other outcasts...perhaps somewhere out there he could find those like him who might help him escape the loneliness that had been with him all his life and now threatened to engulf him.


End file.
